Laff a min...

Hi guys,

Thought it would be a kewl idea to add a "Share a Joke" sorta Post....

Nywyz, do enjoy my first contribution:

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Below are frm a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts" an r thingz ppl actually said in court, word for word, taken dwn and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.......trust zeeeee Amerikanos hey...

Enjoy !!!!!

 

1.Attorney:  R u sexually active?

Witness: Nope, I just lie there

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2. A: wat is yr date of birth?

W: July 18th.

A: What year?

W: every year

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3. A: wat gear were u in at the moment of the impact?

W: Gucci sweats & reeboks

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4.A: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect yr memory at all?

W: Yes

A: An in wat way does it affect yr memory?

W: I forget

A: U forget, can u gve us an example of something u forgot?

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5.  an hw old is yr son?

W: Thirty eight or Thirty five, I cant remember which

A: Hw long has he lived with u ?

W: Forty five years

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6. A: wat is the 1st thing yr husband said to u that morning?

W: He said, ;Wer am I Cathy?"

A: An why did dat upset u ?

W: My name is Susan

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7.A: do u knw if yr daughter has ever been involved in Voodoo?

W: We both do

A: Voodoo?

W: We do

A: You do???

W:Yes, Voodoo

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8.A: Nw doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

W: Did u actually pass the bar Exam?

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9. A: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?

W: Twenty one

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10. A:Wer u present when yr picture was taken?

W: Would u repeat that Question?

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11. A: So the date of conception ( of the baby ) was August 8th?

W: Yes

A: An wat wer u doing at this time?

W: uh........

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12. A: she had 3 children r8?

W:Yes

A: How many were boys?

W: None

A: Were the any girls?

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13. A: Hw was yr first marriage terminated?

W: By Death

A: An by whose death was it terminated?

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14. A: Can u describe the individual?

W: He was about medium height and had a beard

A: was this male or female?

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15. A: Is yr appearance here this morning persuant to a deposition notice which I sent to yr attorney?

W: No, this is hw I dress when I go to work

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16. A: Doctor, hw many of yr autopsies have u performed on dead people?

W: All my autopsies are performed on dead ppl

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17. A: All your responses MUST be Oral, OK? wat school did u go to?

W: Oral

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18. A: Do u recall the time that u examined the body?

W: The autopsy started around 8.30pm

A: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

W: No, He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

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19. A: r u qualified to give Urine sample?

W: Huh?

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20. A: Doctor, before u performed the autopsy, did u check for a pulse?

W: No

A: Did u check for blood pressure?

W: No

A: Did u check for any breathing?

W: No

A: so then it is possible that the patient was alive when u began the autopsy?

W: No

A: How can u be so sure, Doctor?

W: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a Jar.

A: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

W: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

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Whew,  dats my bit for the day.....

 

 

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat
down
next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news
was
on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive
off
of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's
fair.
Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock
news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.....

Too much analysis

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said, "Hello."

The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

Little Johnny came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
"Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."
Little Johnny started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to
play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma. "Where's Mom and
Dad?"
and she replied, "They're still up in bed."

Again Little Johnny started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out
to
play. Then Little Johnny came in for dinner and once again he asked his
grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're
still
up in bed. "

Little Johnny started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives?
Every
time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is
going on
here?"
Little Johnny replied, "Well last night Daddy came into my bedroom and
asked
me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

not an actual funnie but thot I'd share it anywayz ....

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER.

 

 

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied  

 by a complete current medical report from your doctor.

 

 

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

 

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________  

 

 ID NUMBER  #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

 

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

 

HOME ADDRESS________________________________________

 

 

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

 

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________

 

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

 

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a car ? __Yes __No

 

B. A  Car with oversized tires? __Yes __No

 

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A  Bakkie with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

 

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

 

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No

 

pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

 

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION  AND
LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

 

ESSAY SECTION:

 

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

 

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

 

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers  are
confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE. 

 

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

 

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi  

Thank you for your interest in my daughter.

 Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the
stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was ,
he remarked,  "How about that! a picture of my daddy." He bought the
picture, but  on the way home he remembered that his Lizzy, didn't like
his father. So he  hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving
for the fields, he  would go and look at it. Lizzy began to get
suspicious of these many trips to  the barn. One day after he left for
the fields, she searched the barn  and found the mirror. As she looked
into the mirror, she fumed, "So that's the  ugly *** he's been running
around with"

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the
nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along
the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from
inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he
heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew
what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an
old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy.
"You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. "One for
you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see
if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the
fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy
gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they
tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
boy on the bike.








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They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
boy on the bike

damn!! sowrie, cudnt get this to post without the disclaimers...bla bla bla

 eish!

 

the application one is toooooo hilarious, thanks for it, scar or whatever b your name! keep it up!